All you need is LOVE, LOVE, LOVE... Loving YOU is what you need!

Most of us have heard of the term self-love, but do you actually know what it means or how do we do it? When I was growing up, I thought self-love was something people did when they had themselves on a pedestal, who thought they were better than everyone else and knew how to show it. Because of this belief, I ‘played small’ and stayed shy and quiet - I never wanted to have the title of ‘being too big for my boots’. A lot of us have a fear of not being liked – we need to belong. There’s nothing wrong with this as it can mean you have a healthy awareness of how your behaviour affects others. The problem lies when you’re so afraid of not being liked, you’ll compromise your own self-worth to be accepted.

If you can be true to yourself and work from your heart instead of your fear-based ego, you can improve your mental, emotional and physical health as well as attracting the right type of people into your life – people who accept and love the real you!

Working as a beauty and holistic therapist has allowed me an insight into how people view themselves and relate to others, or how a lack of self-love can manifest into physical ailments and emotional issues. I want to share my own take on what self-love is and how we can start to recognise that each and every one of us is entitled and deserving of L-O-V-E.

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?

Self-love means that you accept yourself fully, treat yourself with kindness and respect and nurture your growth and well-being. It relates to not only how you feel about yourself and the way in which you speak or treat yourself, but how you allow others to treat you & how you treat others.

Someone who has a lot of self-love and self-acceptance knows that they must be authentic to themselves and not compromise their own well-being to please others or settle for anything less than what they deserve.

When we are tiny babies, we don’t question our worth – we are completely filled with self-love and think we are wonderful! We were born happy; we didn’t feel that we needed therapy. Anyone who has had the wonderful experience of having a pet animal will also notice that they know all about self-love – a puppy will instinctively show joy and affection by wagging their tail and bouncing around happily giving unconditional love to anyone who looks its direction regardless of what you may think about it.

“Learning to love ourselves is about the most important thing we can ever do for ourselves, most of us just don’t know how” - Anita Moorjani (New York Times bestselling author of ‘Dying to be Me: My Journey from Cancer to Near Death to True Healing)

So what goes wrong? Why are we born with so much love and compassion for ourselves and then lose it along the way? A low level of self-love is a learned behaviour. We usually learn how to behave towards ourselves and others through observation, much of our said beliefs being instilled in us between the ages of 0 and 7. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, carer, auntie or uncle, family friend or neighbour; you can have an impact on the self-esteem and self-worth of a child.

Every single one of us learns behaviours through the main carers in our early years. That person of course learnt their behaviour traits from their main carer and so on and so on. If you were shamed, criticized, dominated, ignored, or abused in any shape or form, research shows that there is a huge chance that your main carer experienced something similar themselves as they were growing up. Understanding this, rather than entering into the blame game, has to be the way ahead for all of us if we are to learn how to re-love ourselves.

If a child is criticized, they learn to ‘beat themselves up’ and judge or criticize others. If a child is shamed, they learn to hold back and be apprehensive. If a child is shown how to be grateful, they can learn to appreciate themselves and others. If a child is shown how to share, they learn how to be kind. And if a child is taught that they are enough (they don’t need to be A,B or C or have D, E or F to be accepted), they learn they are enough.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Learning how to love ourselves in a healing and positive way, can set us free from our own expectations, approvals and judgments. If we judge others, we will inevitably invite judgment of ourselves. We need to learn to be comfortable in our own skin, as we are. The more authentic we are, the deeper and more meaningful relationships we can have with others as well as our self. Having self-compassion, that is, not giving ourselves a hard time if we ‘fail’ at something or do something we consider ‘wrong’, helps us pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off when things don’t go to plan. We are all human and some of the greatest ‘mistakes’ we make, can make us some of the most compassionate and understanding beings on Earth.

It was only through years of self-discovery and becoming aware of my own level of self-love and how this affected the way I treated or spoke to myself (and others) that I really began to understand the true meaning of what it was to have a healthy dose of self-love and learn how to accept myself and that I was worthy of love.

WHAT CAN I DO TO INCREASE MY SELF-LOVE?

The first thing that I would recommend is to learn how to nurture yourself. This can be different for everyone, but for me it means giving myself permission to do something that makes me feel good without feeling guilty about it. This might entail enjoying a KitKat with a cuppa, as I tune into my favourite TV quiz show, a nice soak in the tub, a short walk, a dander round the shops (post lockdown of course!) or just 10 minutes doing absolutely nothing. It also means saying No to others and Yes to yourself more. How many times can you remember agreeing to something that deep down you didn’t want to do & then felt resentment for saying yes?

If you can learn to nurture yourself at least once every day or so, this creates the foundation of learning how to treat yourself with self-respect and love.

Another key to self-love is reconnecting with and feeling into your emotions. I’ve seen so many people who don’t know how to express themselves in a loving way (again this can be learned behaviour from childhood) or know how to deal with various emotions that ‘come up’.

One of the best things I ever learned to do, to help me understand my emotions and where I was coming from, was the self-talk I’d give myself in the mirror. When anything came up that disturbed my inner peace or self-worth – maybe it was something someone said or did that made me feel sad or angry – I’d literally talk myself through it, going right back to where it came out of, how it made me feel (no need to hold back from yourself, just let it all out) and this would connect me to the emotion.

Once you feel into your emotions, you can move into understanding your reactions, the situation or person’s reactions, i.e. where they were in their own headspace when this happened (maybe they were having a bad day or had received bad new prior to your confrontation etc.). Having a greater awareness for the bigger picture can help you release any fear-based emotions (anger, frustration) towards them or yourself.

Holding onto negative emotions can be detrimental to your physical health, where this emotional ‘baggage’ can weigh you down (tension) or eat away at you (cancer). Forgiving yourself or others for your/their behaviour, sets you free and helps you replace shame/guilt or resentment/anger with love (this is easier said than done so I’ll go into this in more detail in my next blog on Forgiveness).

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL...

Images in the media can make us feel dissatisfied with our own body, which in turn lowers our self-esteem. To help our journey with self-love, I recommend choosing three (or at least one) things that you like about your own body/personality. By focusing on these parts every day for the next 21 days, you start to rewire your brain into self-acceptance. Again this is easier said than done if you’re used to berating yourself or ‘playing small’, but being vulnerable takes courage and I know you can do this!

If you’ve ever heard of Louise Hay (founder of Hay House publications and one of the most inspiring authors and public speakers that was on this planet) you’ll be familiar with her ‘Mirror work’ that is mentioned in her international bestseller ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and say ‘I love you’ takes even more courage, but the more times you practice this task, the easier it becomes and the more you will learn to accept the words. Remember you learnt low self-worth and low self-esteem as a child, so you can certainly learn high self-love as an adult.

Image taken from Kyle Gray's The Angel Oracle Card Deck

Another wonderful writer I have discovered on my journey to self-love is Pam Grout (author of E-squared, E-cubed, The Course in Miracles Experiment: A Starter Kit for Rewiring Your Mind, along with many others). Pam uses her ‘Wonder Woman’ pose if she ever needs a boost of confidence going into a meeting, interview or public speaking event (usually done in the nearest toilet cubicle). Standing head up, back straight, feet apart and hands on your hips, I want you to delve into how this posture makes you feel. Striking a pose like this can increase your confidence and help you connect to a higher feeling of self-worth, along with visualizing the best outcome you would like for the situation ahead. It’s a wee bit like ‘faking it until you make it’ or as the Universal Law of Attraction suggests –when you focus your thoughts on the most positive outcome, that higher vibration draws more positive experiences to you!

Finally, I highly recommend practicing gratitude daily. I write in a notebook every morning at least three things that I'm grateful for. This sets up my day with a positive vibration that attracts more abundance and things to be grateful for. And remember to look after your mind and body by choosing healthier eating habits (KitKat's are essential in moderation of course!), reducing your intake of alcohol, drinking more water and exercising regularly is all part of the journey to self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth.

Always remember that you DESERVE love, you ARE love and you CAN BE love. So wrap your arms around yourself right now and give yourself a big hug you wonderful being of light! YOU ARE AMAZING!!